I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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