I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
