That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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