A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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