corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday