I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.