some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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