My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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