Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
