i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
