Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
