I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
