I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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