Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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