Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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