I could have mohawked her pubes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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