My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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