It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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