woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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