So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
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I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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