I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
