Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
