he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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