I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
