hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
