No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
