i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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