He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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