I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
