Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.