Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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