After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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