Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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