I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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