I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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