When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
