You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
