rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
