So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
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