My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
