dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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