I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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