I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
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I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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