I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
