i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
