lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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