I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
