Cold hands, warm shart.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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