Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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