Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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