you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
