tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
