I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hippo gnu deer
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
