seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
