Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
