2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize