yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
