I just threw up on my dentist
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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