Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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