I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
