I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
