Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
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And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
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who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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