New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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