I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Terrible idea I love it
i believe in u and ur pee
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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