"it" just moved
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
